Friday morning, I awoke from a very restless slumber.  I had my 3 minute  testimony  that I was presenting to an evaluation group swirling and churning (literally rewriting) itself in my mind for most of the night.  I was waking up to butterflies and a very nervous stomach.  I was about to attend the She Speaks Conference in North Carolina.

Expectations of what the conference would be like and the fears of failing (rather  reenacting  the traumatic projectile vomiting incident on my Jr. High Science Teacher) haunted me throughout the morning.  What if I let God down?  In my mind, I already had failed as a Children’s Minister.

I know my family was behind me 100%  and my closest friends were holding me up in their prayers but that fear of failing God, yet again, had a hold of me like nothing else.  I worried about my clothing.  I worried about my shoes and my hair.  I worried about my weak bladder and an upset stomach.  I was plagued by the idea of not being understood as a frugal, treehugger, peacemaker, with spiked grey hair and Ked-like sneakers decorated with crosses.    I was afraid my style of speaking would scare away my audience or scare away any chance I could get to break out into this industry.   I was afraid.  That was the bottom line…. I was afraid of being a little fish in a great big pond.

Once I arrived, I realized it was not a big pond but an ocean.  600 women from 42 states and 6 different countries were at this conference.  I suddenly felt like running.  Bolting would be more like it.  I was ready to drive back to my brother’s house and tell Mark, my husband, that the $500 we raked up was a wonderful donation to the Proverbs 31 Ministries and that we should go home.

I swallowed my fears and started praying like I had never prayed.  I prayed every moment Satan tried to throw something my way.  I hung onto the words, “Do Not Be Afraid.”  Jesus spoke those words.  Paul spoke those words.  And God, Himself, spoke those words.    Suddenly, I felt God’s gentle squeeze and I heard the whisper, “Do not be afraid, my child.  I am here.”

My prayer was simple.  ”Oh God, hold my hand.  I am so scared.  I am here because you said to speak and to motivate.  I am here, Lord, just like you asked.  I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t like being afraid.  Help me, Lord.” Then I looked down.  My cross covered shoes were there.  Then it dawned on me.  Christ was with me every step of the way.

And well, I am still a little fish but I wasn’t alone…. in fact, I was a part of a school of little fish who were just as nervous as I.  And like in the ocean, we stood together, helping one another and we all survived!!

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